everyweek I think that I can't do this anymore. It's not how I want to spend the rest of my life. But every week I go back and change my mind. I flip, and then I flop. I fall in love an hate with the idea. If I close my eyes and imagine i'm happy, what do I see?

I see red.

But then three times a week, if I closed my eyes while I was sitting at the table, with all their eyes listening to eachother, I see no other place to be. When my hours are up, I don't want to leave. How can I? One more pairs of eyes listening helps.

But today, I see red.