Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Fuck school
I'm going to go get a massage instead.
Then I'm going to wander downtown till my mother takes me out to supper.
Then I'm going to sit for 3 hours straight, but instead of doing any work I'll watch a play.
Then I'll go home and relax, maybe eat some chocolate.
I refuse to get stressed.
come dance with me tomorrow night.
Someone take pictures of me laughing. Everyone looks so beautiful when they are laughing
Then I'm going to wander downtown till my mother takes me out to supper.
Then I'm going to sit for 3 hours straight, but instead of doing any work I'll watch a play.
Then I'll go home and relax, maybe eat some chocolate.
I refuse to get stressed.
come dance with me tomorrow night.
Someone take pictures of me laughing. Everyone looks so beautiful when they are laughing
Monday, March 28, 2005
It's the little things that can make your day
40th anniversary ruby hi-liter.
Memorable highlights since 1963
it's a good thing*
*Note that I did not go out seeking this particular hi-liter, but merly came across it. Though I do think it is very pretty and promtly purchased it.**
**Note that I am aware that I am a strange strange girl
Memorable highlights since 1963
it's a good thing*
*Note that I did not go out seeking this particular hi-liter, but merly came across it. Though I do think it is very pretty and promtly purchased it.**
**Note that I am aware that I am a strange strange girl
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Sigh of relief
I had one drink last night. I wanted more, but once again I wore my cabi hat for the evening. I needed to get home so that I could read and study and worry about school.
one point away from an A-. I know a B+ is good. I know that. But right now it is the only thing keeping me from benifiting from all the hard work I put in to it all.
This summer....this summer. I don't know what to think about it all. Everything seems so up in the air.
For the first time in my life my whole family will be together. Aunts/uncles/cousins. No one missing. For the first time I will be seen as a grown up. I'm the baby. Well one of the babies. I'll be bringing the boy for everyone to meet.
I'll visit the big city, so we don;t have to go a full 4 months apart. If we get a week in there it will make it feel more managable. But you work all day. I'll roam the city, ride the subway, try not to spend all my money. I'll spend half the trip all by myself. Maybe I'll try and find that old bookstore again. I'll sit and talk to the nice man with the white hair about Eva Cassidy, and I'll buy books and read in sunny corners all over the city. I'll go into musics stores and buy arm loads of sheet music. Music that I will never properly learn, but will pick up every 2 months or so to give it another go.
I'll drink wine. I'll sit outside and tell stories and laugh. Maybe I'll get to know those people who have been in my life for so long. I'll spend too much money on eating out. I'll make sure I bring a sweater so I don't get too cold.
I'll have barbeques. I'll go down to the cottage for a day, so that I can remenice about childhoood. I wish I could see you. That I could go visit. In the last 6 years I have seen you for 3 days. I've written but you never write back. It's okay. I'm planning to come see you. A plan is in the works.
Sometimes you need to let it all out to someone who doesn't really know you. As many pictures of us I have smiling 4 year old smiles to the camera, we really don't know anything about eachother. I love meeting new people. I love learning about them. getting a feel for their history. Learning to predict what they will say. Everytime we meet up, it's like getting to know eachother all over again. But we always end up in the same place and that's the important thing.
This summer I will sleep on couches and share beds. I will wear the same clothes two days in a row because I forgot the pack a bag. It is the only way I won't shut myself off in my own little fall asleep infront of the TV world.
This summer I will wath Batman.
one point away from an A-. I know a B+ is good. I know that. But right now it is the only thing keeping me from benifiting from all the hard work I put in to it all.
This summer....this summer. I don't know what to think about it all. Everything seems so up in the air.
For the first time in my life my whole family will be together. Aunts/uncles/cousins. No one missing. For the first time I will be seen as a grown up. I'm the baby. Well one of the babies. I'll be bringing the boy for everyone to meet.
I'll visit the big city, so we don;t have to go a full 4 months apart. If we get a week in there it will make it feel more managable. But you work all day. I'll roam the city, ride the subway, try not to spend all my money. I'll spend half the trip all by myself. Maybe I'll try and find that old bookstore again. I'll sit and talk to the nice man with the white hair about Eva Cassidy, and I'll buy books and read in sunny corners all over the city. I'll go into musics stores and buy arm loads of sheet music. Music that I will never properly learn, but will pick up every 2 months or so to give it another go.
I'll drink wine. I'll sit outside and tell stories and laugh. Maybe I'll get to know those people who have been in my life for so long. I'll spend too much money on eating out. I'll make sure I bring a sweater so I don't get too cold.
I'll have barbeques. I'll go down to the cottage for a day, so that I can remenice about childhoood. I wish I could see you. That I could go visit. In the last 6 years I have seen you for 3 days. I've written but you never write back. It's okay. I'm planning to come see you. A plan is in the works.
Sometimes you need to let it all out to someone who doesn't really know you. As many pictures of us I have smiling 4 year old smiles to the camera, we really don't know anything about eachother. I love meeting new people. I love learning about them. getting a feel for their history. Learning to predict what they will say. Everytime we meet up, it's like getting to know eachother all over again. But we always end up in the same place and that's the important thing.
This summer I will sleep on couches and share beds. I will wear the same clothes two days in a row because I forgot the pack a bag. It is the only way I won't shut myself off in my own little fall asleep infront of the TV world.
This summer I will wath Batman.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
twirling
I have five hang nails. My fingers are rebelling against the long hours typing paper after paper after presentation.
Today just was no good. It wasn't as bad as I was prediciting it to be, but I even knew I was exagerating. It was worse than I wanted it to be. I feel stupid. I feel judged. I feel so tired.
But it is done right? and in the next two days I will try and do something fun. I'll go to the geek beer, I'll go to movie night. I most likely will not drink, but that's no different from ususal. I'll try and put behind this stress, this feeling of ...failure? I didn't fail. I gave a shitty presentation. It may have cost me my program. I'll have to deal with that. There are so many more things in my life that will be more important than that presentation.
I need to laugh. Laugh till I can't breath. Laugh till I revert to the laugh I have been trying to banish since I was a little kid. That embarrsing laugh that I've been able to hide from everyone till now. Laugh till it looks like I am pain.
My Grandmother called me last night to tell me she sent me a "easter gift" in the mail. This means somewhere between 20 and 100 $. I've already decided what I am buying. Season 6. I'm skipping number 5 for now (stupid Dawn).
When I feel like crap I buy things.
When I feel like crap I dress up.
When I feel like crap I eat junk food.
I feel like crap.
Today just was no good. It wasn't as bad as I was prediciting it to be, but I even knew I was exagerating. It was worse than I wanted it to be. I feel stupid. I feel judged. I feel so tired.
But it is done right? and in the next two days I will try and do something fun. I'll go to the geek beer, I'll go to movie night. I most likely will not drink, but that's no different from ususal. I'll try and put behind this stress, this feeling of ...failure? I didn't fail. I gave a shitty presentation. It may have cost me my program. I'll have to deal with that. There are so many more things in my life that will be more important than that presentation.
I need to laugh. Laugh till I can't breath. Laugh till I revert to the laugh I have been trying to banish since I was a little kid. That embarrsing laugh that I've been able to hide from everyone till now. Laugh till it looks like I am pain.
My Grandmother called me last night to tell me she sent me a "easter gift" in the mail. This means somewhere between 20 and 100 $. I've already decided what I am buying. Season 6. I'm skipping number 5 for now (stupid Dawn).
When I feel like crap I buy things.
When I feel like crap I dress up.
When I feel like crap I eat junk food.
I feel like crap.
Monday, March 21, 2005
counting the days
I'm all done my degree on the 13. I have an exam at 7:00 pm, which will probably go till 10/11 o'clock.
I demande that once I'm done I be shown the time of my life,
You may disscuss among yourselves about how you are going to do this.
Thank you and goodnight
I demande that once I'm done I be shown the time of my life,
You may disscuss among yourselves about how you are going to do this.
Thank you and goodnight
Crazy
and I want to go to school for two more years because?
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
After rereading my last post over...
I've decided that everyone who sees me in the next week should give me a hug. I don't care who you are, what are realtionship is, if you think I need a hug, give me one.
I mean a real hug. Just hold me in your arms till I'm ready to let go. It will make things so much more bearable.
Remember in highschool when we hugged everyone and anyone. I only really hug You now on a regular basis.
I don't want to go back to highschool. I don't want to cling to others to quiet my insecurties.
I just want some really good hugs this week.
I mean a real hug. Just hold me in your arms till I'm ready to let go. It will make things so much more bearable.
Remember in highschool when we hugged everyone and anyone. I only really hug You now on a regular basis.
I don't want to go back to highschool. I don't want to cling to others to quiet my insecurties.
I just want some really good hugs this week.
Fuck
i fell asleep while reading. It was probably 9:15. I can't really afford to do that this week. I have at least 10 article to read and 4 books to graze to look for relevent information for my seminar.
But the minute I look at the words on the page, I start to doze off.
So now I'm awake. It's 3:30 am. I have to get up at 7 to read an article and formulate 2 questions from it to get those lousy 1.5 bonus points.
Though I'm terrified that the minute my head will hit the pillow that the stress will pour into me. I'll toss and turn and panic.
I've got 4 weeks left. I've gotten into school for next term. You would think I wouldn't care so much.
But I do.
I don't want to give a crap presentation.
I don't want my supervisors to be disapointed in me for the crap I just passed into them.
I don't want to embarass myself infron of my peers when they realise that I pulled a presentation out of my ass.
I don't want to then pull a paper out of my ass on the same topic.
I've worked so hard, and been so stressed, over this stupid program that I'm not even going to use.
But if I screw it up and not get it just because I couldn't get an A- in my seminar class...well for awhile I'll be filled with shame.
I don't want to be. I mean. no one will really care. No one will be ashamed of me. My parents won't care. My professors won't care (I'm in your fucking program and you haven't talked to me in a year. What a joke!). You won't care.
But fuck I will.
Where does this feeling come from? Why am I so worried to let the imaginary crowd of people down? What happened in my life that I am so fucking scared of letting other people down?
That's right, I am afraid that by failing at this, something really that I did only for myself, that I will let people down. I know this is fucking ridiculous. But it is what has driven me for years.
I have a supervisor, not so that their is someone to guide me (though that has been a perk), but because I need to be accountable to. I can't screw up because someone will be affected by it.
Even as a child, I only practiced the piano not because I wanted to get better at it, no because I didn't want my piano teacher to get mad at me.
In the next 4 weeks I have due:
My thesis
My Seminar
My lab talk about my thesis
An Exam
A paper (which will totally be done last minute and I will end up not being to study for the above mentioned exam)
A paper on my seminar topic.
A stats exam.
Then I have to find a job. I have to figure out what I'm going in the fall. I have to figure out how I'm going to pull off getting to Toronto this summer as much as I can, but still save money for the fall. I have to find a place to live (where ever I'm going to be). Even if I am staying in town in the fall, I can't do this at home thing anymore. This is half of my problem. I can't fully be independent when I have people to report to. I have to get the car home. I have to drive so and so somewhere. I should be out on my own. I'm so ready for it. I love home, there are no problems really, but I need to be out. I'm so jealous of seeing my friends who have their own places. I mean places that are something other than the place whenr you spend a few hours between being in school and sleeping. And I've got 5 more months here. I'm ready now. I don't want to wait till september. But that's how the cookie crumbles.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Something is going to suffer, I'm just not sure what yet.
But the minute I look at the words on the page, I start to doze off.
So now I'm awake. It's 3:30 am. I have to get up at 7 to read an article and formulate 2 questions from it to get those lousy 1.5 bonus points.
Though I'm terrified that the minute my head will hit the pillow that the stress will pour into me. I'll toss and turn and panic.
I've got 4 weeks left. I've gotten into school for next term. You would think I wouldn't care so much.
But I do.
I don't want to give a crap presentation.
I don't want my supervisors to be disapointed in me for the crap I just passed into them.
I don't want to embarass myself infron of my peers when they realise that I pulled a presentation out of my ass.
I don't want to then pull a paper out of my ass on the same topic.
I've worked so hard, and been so stressed, over this stupid program that I'm not even going to use.
But if I screw it up and not get it just because I couldn't get an A- in my seminar class...well for awhile I'll be filled with shame.
I don't want to be. I mean. no one will really care. No one will be ashamed of me. My parents won't care. My professors won't care (I'm in your fucking program and you haven't talked to me in a year. What a joke!). You won't care.
But fuck I will.
Where does this feeling come from? Why am I so worried to let the imaginary crowd of people down? What happened in my life that I am so fucking scared of letting other people down?
That's right, I am afraid that by failing at this, something really that I did only for myself, that I will let people down. I know this is fucking ridiculous. But it is what has driven me for years.
I have a supervisor, not so that their is someone to guide me (though that has been a perk), but because I need to be accountable to. I can't screw up because someone will be affected by it.
Even as a child, I only practiced the piano not because I wanted to get better at it, no because I didn't want my piano teacher to get mad at me.
In the next 4 weeks I have due:
My thesis
My Seminar
My lab talk about my thesis
An Exam
A paper (which will totally be done last minute and I will end up not being to study for the above mentioned exam)
A paper on my seminar topic.
A stats exam.
Then I have to find a job. I have to figure out what I'm going in the fall. I have to figure out how I'm going to pull off getting to Toronto this summer as much as I can, but still save money for the fall. I have to find a place to live (where ever I'm going to be). Even if I am staying in town in the fall, I can't do this at home thing anymore. This is half of my problem. I can't fully be independent when I have people to report to. I have to get the car home. I have to drive so and so somewhere. I should be out on my own. I'm so ready for it. I love home, there are no problems really, but I need to be out. I'm so jealous of seeing my friends who have their own places. I mean places that are something other than the place whenr you spend a few hours between being in school and sleeping. And I've got 5 more months here. I'm ready now. I don't want to wait till september. But that's how the cookie crumbles.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Something is going to suffer, I'm just not sure what yet.
Monday, March 14, 2005
This just in...
I just got the call to tell me that I got accepted into the education program at Acadia.
Also, the Mount called today too to tell me I have an interview for their program.
So I will be going to school in September. That is official.
But where? I'm not sure yet.
Also, the Mount called today too to tell me I have an interview for their program.
So I will be going to school in September. That is official.
But where? I'm not sure yet.
This week
This week is the important week
My thesis is due a week from tuesday
My Seminar is due a week from wednesday (I haven't even started a thing on it yet)
This week will be spent infront of my computer
This week will be devoted to school work entirely
This week I will fall asleep late at night infront of the TV so that the stress of it all won't keep me awake.
This week I am forgoing all social event except for Gus'
This week I don't work at Neptune
This week I will have no money
This week is going to be crazy
This week I'm going to be crazy
This week is going to fucking suck so much
My thesis is due a week from tuesday
My Seminar is due a week from wednesday (I haven't even started a thing on it yet)
This week will be spent infront of my computer
This week will be devoted to school work entirely
This week I will fall asleep late at night infront of the TV so that the stress of it all won't keep me awake.
This week I am forgoing all social event except for Gus'
This week I don't work at Neptune
This week I will have no money
This week is going to be crazy
This week I'm going to be crazy
This week is going to fucking suck so much
Friday, March 11, 2005
Asleep on the couch
So I got accepted to a University in Maine.
So it's decision time already huh?
So it's decision time already huh?
Thursday, March 10, 2005
The day did not start out well
Things I hate right now:
Overeacting
Overeacting
Overeacting
mexican chicken wrap
clayton park
night time
bullshit
procrastination....it sneeks up on you
missing sociak events
the food at the second cup
parking tickets
always tired (maybe I should start taking iron again)
Keanu Reeves
Being at fuckin' taxi
Not moving out...another 4 month stuck at home
Thesis
Stats homework
Stats class
Not being prepared
I've started chewing gum
Overeacting
Overeacting
Overeacting
mexican chicken wrap
clayton park
night time
bullshit
procrastination....it sneeks up on you
missing sociak events
the food at the second cup
parking tickets
always tired (maybe I should start taking iron again)
Keanu Reeves
Being at fuckin' taxi
Not moving out...another 4 month stuck at home
Thesis
Stats homework
Stats class
Not being prepared
I've started chewing gum
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
My thesis is due in two weeks. Two weeks and I will be done with all this bull shit. All I have to do is write the discussion which is 10 pages top.
I just can't make myself start. I sit here staring at my computer screen, hoping to god that someone will come distract me so at least my procrastenation has a purpose.
" I can't write my thesis right now! I have to chat with so-and-so about something we have talked about a million times. I have to. It is pertinent to my exsistence. I'll write my thesis tonight."
And then I'll go home and fall asleep by 9:00.
I can't wait for this all to be done.
What I really should be doing is to diop off the face of the earth for a little bit untill I get it all done. No geekbeers, no movie nights, no out to lunches.
That's not going to happen though. Cause I know better. I know I would sit infront of my computer not knowing what to write and regretting giving up my social life.
I just can't make myself start. I sit here staring at my computer screen, hoping to god that someone will come distract me so at least my procrastenation has a purpose.
" I can't write my thesis right now! I have to chat with so-and-so about something we have talked about a million times. I have to. It is pertinent to my exsistence. I'll write my thesis tonight."
And then I'll go home and fall asleep by 9:00.
I can't wait for this all to be done.
What I really should be doing is to diop off the face of the earth for a little bit untill I get it all done. No geekbeers, no movie nights, no out to lunches.
That's not going to happen though. Cause I know better. I know I would sit infront of my computer not knowing what to write and regretting giving up my social life.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
A new list
It'a been awhile since I did one of these. I think it is about time again
Things that I love:
Movie nights
Compliments
Digital cameras
Kurt...4 times in two weeks
Sleepovers
Dancing
Stares
Geek Beers
Alabama Slammers
Distractions on leather couches
"Blankets"
Confessions
Roll up the rim
6 weeks left
A new job?
Buying things for when I move out
Buffy chats
They like my progress
Singing
I found my moulin Rouge CD
A new book!
Routines
Emails
You
you too.
Things that I love:
Movie nights
Compliments
Digital cameras
Kurt...4 times in two weeks
Sleepovers
Dancing
Stares
Geek Beers
Alabama Slammers
Distractions on leather couches
"Blankets"
Confessions
Roll up the rim
6 weeks left
A new job?
Buying things for when I move out
Buffy chats
They like my progress
Singing
I found my moulin Rouge CD
A new book!
Routines
Emails
You
you too.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
It's coming
I can feel it. It's stalking me. It's waking me up in the middle of the night.
I'm desperately trying to hide from it, but it keeps finding a crack in the wall to climb right back in through.
Stress.
6 weeks. No more. Except you know I have to find a job, save money and get rejected by all the schools I have applied to.
On a happier note Kelly is coming to geekbeer on Friday! Yay sleepover!
I'm desperately trying to hide from it, but it keeps finding a crack in the wall to climb right back in through.
Stress.
6 weeks. No more. Except you know I have to find a job, save money and get rejected by all the schools I have applied to.
On a happier note Kelly is coming to geekbeer on Friday! Yay sleepover!
