i fell asleep while reading. It was probably 9:15. I can't really afford to do that this week. I have at least 10 article to read and 4 books to graze to look for relevent information for my seminar.

But the minute I look at the words on the page, I start to doze off.

So now I'm awake. It's 3:30 am. I have to get up at 7 to read an article and formulate 2 questions from it to get those lousy 1.5 bonus points.

Though I'm terrified that the minute my head will hit the pillow that the stress will pour into me. I'll toss and turn and panic.

I've got 4 weeks left. I've gotten into school for next term. You would think I wouldn't care so much.

But I do.
I don't want to give a crap presentation.
I don't want my supervisors to be disapointed in me for the crap I just passed into them.
I don't want to embarass myself infron of my peers when they realise that I pulled a presentation out of my ass.
I don't want to then pull a paper out of my ass on the same topic.

I've worked so hard, and been so stressed, over this stupid program that I'm not even going to use.

But if I screw it up and not get it just because I couldn't get an A- in my seminar class...well for awhile I'll be filled with shame.

I don't want to be. I mean. no one will really care. No one will be ashamed of me. My parents won't care. My professors won't care (I'm in your fucking program and you haven't talked to me in a year. What a joke!). You won't care.

But fuck I will.

Where does this feeling come from? Why am I so worried to let the imaginary crowd of people down? What happened in my life that I am so fucking scared of letting other people down?

That's right, I am afraid that by failing at this, something really that I did only for myself, that I will let people down. I know this is fucking ridiculous. But it is what has driven me for years.

I have a supervisor, not so that their is someone to guide me (though that has been a perk), but because I need to be accountable to. I can't screw up because someone will be affected by it.

Even as a child, I only practiced the piano not because I wanted to get better at it, no because I didn't want my piano teacher to get mad at me.

In the next 4 weeks I have due:
My thesis
My Seminar
My lab talk about my thesis
An Exam
A paper (which will totally be done last minute and I will end up not being to study for the above mentioned exam)
A paper on my seminar topic.
A stats exam.

Then I have to find a job. I have to figure out what I'm going in the fall. I have to figure out how I'm going to pull off getting to Toronto this summer as much as I can, but still save money for the fall. I have to find a place to live (where ever I'm going to be). Even if I am staying in town in the fall, I can't do this at home thing anymore. This is half of my problem. I can't fully be independent when I have people to report to. I have to get the car home. I have to drive so and so somewhere. I should be out on my own. I'm so ready for it. I love home, there are no problems really, but I need to be out. I'm so jealous of seeing my friends who have their own places. I mean places that are something other than the place whenr you spend a few hours between being in school and sleeping. And I've got 5 more months here. I'm ready now. I don't want to wait till september. But that's how the cookie crumbles.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Something is going to suffer, I'm just not sure what yet.