In the last three years i've only heard from her once. We're horrible at keeping touch. But when I finally get a letter from her I can't stop touching her words on the paper. I can't descirbe how it feels to love someone so much that really isn't in your life at all. I dream about her all the time. We go on adventures, on trips to beautiful places. She is so beautiful. She's one of those people that is always in your thoughts. No matter where we go in this world, or how far apart we are, it's just this feeling that there will always be the idea of us, kindred spirts just like Anne and Dianna.

We are different people. I think. I don't really know anymore. I hope she's happy. That's all I wish for her. Just please be happy.

I saw Matthew Skinner today. I don't think I had spoken to him since grade 11. He was hanging out in the Dal SUB trying to get people to sign up for storage place at metro self storage. He looks great. He's doing commerce at SMU. He's a hair model. Yup a hair model. He's growing his hair for a contest. He wants to see us all again. Next time we have a gathering I said we would give him a call. I told him we were all still nuts. He laughed that Matthew laugh where his whole body shakes. It was so nice seeing him.

I also had a meeting with Dr. Klein today. He was very excited about the idea about me doing my honours thesis under him. He had some really amazing ideas. He was excited to work with me. me! It's a whole different kind of academic recognition. This is more then grades on a piece of paper, this is someone wanting to work with me based on my knowlege of things, on my interests.

Then I saw Kate Quinn at the restaurent tonight. For some reason that girl really does like me. We're not particularly friends, but she's more than polite with me, she's down right kind. I wish her the best. It's amazing how much she reminds me of my friend Claire. They are almost identical.

I have to write to Claire and tell her about my plans. I have to write everybody and tell them about my plans.

Today is the best day i've had in months.

Every tuesday and thursday morning I sit in the second cup of the comupter science building doing my french homework that I have forgotten to do. By chance their is always only one set of couches free at this time of day and I always sit there.

For the last three weeks or so i've had company. Around 9:30 he shows up, plunks his briefcase and books on the couch across from me and proceedes to get a coffee (always with a mountain of whip cream on top, that he eats without a spoon before he takes a sip). He then takes out his books and reads and marks paper. After the first sit down I came to realise he was a professor. He read worn out books with foreign titles. Latin and Spanish. It didn't take long for me to conclude that he was a language prof. Other than smiles and polite hello's, we had never spoken, we just sat togther and did out respective work.

untill today.

I was copying my last compostion for french. I had worked very hard on it. I was writing about the differences between English and French Cultures. It was an informal compostion so I contrasted my best friend and I. It took me 2 hours to write this. I even went to the french tutors to make the best I could.

It was while writing this compostion that I realized that I can't communicate in french. Not really. Sure I can understand it, I know the grammer, I even know most of the pronunciation, but I can't express myself in french. Not like I can in English. In french Immersion we were never taught the art of conversation in french. I can get my message across, it is even gramticaly correct (for the most part) but it's not how you would actually express that idea.

He noticed I carried around a becherell. I was embaresed. I'm sitting across from a language professor and I have to check how to conjugate the verb "separer". He asked me if I was a language student. No. He asked me what I was studying. Psychology. What did I want to do with that? I contemplated this for a second and spurted out "Possibly education..teaching elementary school". We the proceeded to talk about french immersion and it's problems. He has kids who went to St Pat's. I complained how i didn't really feel connected to the language even though I really wanted to . For god's sake! I started school in Quebec! But without being able to clearly express myself in french how could I become attached to it"

"You want to really learn french? Go to Paris for a year. You should go"

And with that I'vwe made my desicion. I'm going to be a teacher. I'm going to go to france and be totally imersed in the beautiful language. I've been trying to find my direction for the last 2 years and I've found it. As I walked away from him so I could head of to french class the emotions started to bubble upo out of me. I wanted to sit and cry. I've figured it out. No more comptemplating. I've found it. I was so happy I wanted to cry.

That's it. Next time I see him I'm going to thank him. It took a stranger looking me blankly in the eye and telling me I should go for it for me to realize what I want. I don't even know his name.

I feel so good.

I give up.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm getting my hair cut.

i'm burnt out.
I just don't care anymore, and I get the impresion that they dont care that I don'care.
All I want to do is sleep.
Even my conversations have been polite and small because I can't muster up the energy to say how i'm doing.

I'm just so tired

I spent a lot of money today. I felt like i needed to shower myself with gifts. I treated myself to breakfast. Cora's banana and chocoalate hazelnut spread creapes. It was like heaven in my mouth. If you have never gone to cora's and you can afford a 10-15 dollar breakfast (I'm talking BREAKFAST..you can totally and want to skip lunch afterwards)I urge you to go. Fresh fruit all around.

Then I bought new earings. There is something about earings that I just absoltutly love. I only started wearing them this summer but no own at least 20 pairs. They make me feel feminin and beautiful. They make my short hair look freash and...zap!

Then I bought one of my favorite movies ever "Happy accidents". It's odd but it's beautiful. If you have given up on love watch this movie. It's not a romantic comedy....it's...a story. On a side note, if you have given up on happiness or on life, watch "Amelie". The best.

Then I bought a video game. I know I complain that the boy plays too much. I hate it when he plays and I sit on the couch and watch. But this is the "Buffy" video game. I couldn't resist. I already own the first one, so that means I'm forced to get the second (Melissa you can come play it someday if you want)

That was my day. All abut me and money, and sisters and cousins.

Now i'm going to go sing Karoeke for the rest of the night.

"How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me-
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go- "

You could see he had given up. He was giving up right infront of you. He was going to let the drugs take him over, he was going to go back just so he didn't have to deal with it all, hope that somehow it would all just dispear when he was inside and that it wouldn't greet him again when he finally left. There was no hope in his eyes. Him saying it aloud made it final. He had given in and had no hope left to muster up.

"Well let's go to my office and make some phone calls untill we come up with something"

And that one simple sentence brought it all rushing back. The compassion in people amazes me.

Every other day I want to quit. I want to say this is not my world. I have nothing to offer it. I should let it go and bring my talents to another venue.

But then a day like yesterday happens and i can't imagine me not there. Who the fuck are going to help these people? Why does a drug addict who hasn't been in jail deserve help and treatment more than someone who has been in jail? They don't. These people amaze me, how they get through a world that is against them, that are trying to pretend they don't exists, that are fucking terrirfied of them.

I can't see myself leaving this work, but I don't see how I can stay. I understand that at our age it's common not to know what you want to do, and that eventually you will. But I know what I want to do. I know but I can't grab it. I can't see how I can.

Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe I should be taking a different path. How can I let professors and meetings steer me away from something I feel so strongly about.

I should be working. I should be reading. I should be concentrating on other things right now.
But this is my whole next year. Sure i've contemplated quitting, but that would be my choice. I've worked so hard at satisfing you, at meeting your requirements and now i might have to quit becasue you don't want to give me the chance.

I havent been sleeping on this. I shouldn't be lossing this chance when i'm working harder than you to grab of a hold of it.

I'm so frustrated right now. I do wish that you never picked me sometimes. Then I wouldn't have all these choices in my head, I'd only have one option that i would be perfectly willing to take.

Why do you fuck around with me?

I think I looked pretty today.

She's rich. You can tell the minute you meet her. She talks about her satalite dish and her trips to Cancune. Even though she wears basic t-shirts and hooded sweaters, you can tell she's paid no less than 50$ for every item that she wears. She's also a blond, and not a natural blond at that.

But just because she is blind and rich, that doesn't give you the right to cast her aside. To assume she has nothing to give you. You laugh when she talks to you. You make jokes about her intelligence and herintentions. Fuck you! You don't know her. Did you know she was born in Poland? Did you know that she volunteers in schools, that she tutors disadvantaged children? She's just as smart as you

Did you know she is probaly the nicest person you will meet. No pretences, she just can't be not nice. When no one listens to the underlying fears and stresses in my seemingly neutral comments, she's the only one who tells me I can do it, that I'm smart. And she doesn't even know me, she just truly believes it. You might think she's naive, but she has a lot more insight than you give her credit for.

She's not my friend, I don't see her outside of class, but she'll offer me a ride anywhere just to help me out. And when you talk like this, I have more respect for her than I do for you.

I found myself asking a series of questions today. To myself, others, fictional people in my head and eventually they all became questions for my blog. I didn't answer one of them.

-Where is the yogurt?
-What the fuck did she do with my orange shirt? I need that shirt to be beautiful today?
-How am I going to do this?
-What am I doing?
-Why is there corn on the road?
-I wonder what it would be like to have a neurological disease
-Am I the minority? Am I the only one who hasn never had those thoughts?
-Have you ever looked at someone's face, the face of someone you love so much, for so long that you -don't recognize it anymore? You realize that you are missing so much by not taking a fresh look everytime you see them.
-I wonder what it would be like to see myself through others eyes? Through a strangers, a loved one, a friend? Do they see the same thing I see? Do they all see the same thing? If they see something different is it because of I feel or do, or because of something inside of themselves?
-What do you see?
-What do I see?
-What should I have for supper?

1) I love hot dogs. I mean really love them.
2) I go out of my way on the side walks so I can step on ice
3) If I could do any profession in the world I would be a police officer
4) My maternal clock is ticking so loud that I have to stuff a sock in its mouth just so I can drown out the noise
5) I really like "Lizzie Maguire". Not Hillary Duff, but the show.
6) I'll only eat tomato soup if you grate cheddar cheese in it, but then I could eat it all day
7) I regularly watch "7th heaven", even though I don;t particularly like it
8) I haven;t talked to my oldest best friend in over 2 years because i'm scared to death she won't write back
9) As a child I was borderline obsessive compulsive
10) I hate my teeth. I think they are so ugly
11) I read your blog at least 3 times a day
12) I can't play the piano for an audience without shaking violently
13) I'm growing out my hair just so I can feel the satisfaction of cutting it all off again
14) I write songs and then forget about them 24 hours later.
15) I sleep with a book beside my pillow. I don't read it, but a book is usually there.