So I have been here for five days now. Every day has been very busy so far. Today is more of a lazy day. Ikea day and sit around and relax day.

My first day here we did the regular begining of vaction stuff. Got groceries, went out for lunch and got ice cream. We then went to a bbq for the evening, of course getting lost on the way. I got to meet some of Jon's co-workers and have a few drinks and eat some steak. Got to sing and play some guitar too.

Sunday, jon and I went downtown to Kensginton market. That was a lot of fun. We had a fabulous supper. Carmel apple cheesecake!

Monday I spent the entire day at the zoo. I took so many pictures. My favorite were the hippos. They had the regular kind and the pygmy kind. I walked miles and milles around that zoo. Though I am proud to say that with 35 degree heat that I have not got a sunburn. I then made supper for the boys (goolash!) and Jon and I watched Sean (Shawn?) of the dead

Yesterday I met Jon at his work and then did a little shopping. We were going to go to Ikea at the end of the day, however we got caught in a sudden freak thunder and lighting storm. We then had fajitia's for supper and then went out (in lighting and thunder- but no rain) and played some basketball.

My feet hurt a lot but I'm having a great time.

Tomorrow Jon has a half day and we have to eventually get to my cousins in Oshawa. We'll spend the night there and then we will head to Ottawa with them in the morning for the weekend.

When I come home I will finally start my training.
I'll be getting ready to move in to our new place.

don't have too much fin without me.

I am now in the GTA (greater toronto area for those not in the know).

It is so hot here. It is 32 degrees, but with the humidity it feels like 40 degrees.

I was greeted bu Jon and three roses. However there is no vase in the apartment so they are sitting in a travel coffee mug.

Miss me yet?

I have a big post all ready in my head (and in my fairy book) about my observations while on the airplane, however we are going to a barbque (I got the apple coolers...eeeeee!)


How about now?

We'll go to the zoo when I come back. July 9 or 10 th. yay zoo!

1. Pack my bag. Light packing is always so difficult for me.
2. Clean up my room
3. Vaccum my room. Which means I can vaccum up those mother fuckin' ants. ha ha!
4. Laundry
5. Get ahold of work and yell at them (I won't really yell. I'll probably be sickenly polite actually)
6. Clean my self up.
7. Go to Toronto!

Fuck I'm not happy
Fuck I'm so stressed

and not school stressed. Real life stressed.

I've got this perpetual knot in my stomach.

Last night I was up till 6:30 in the morning. I watched crossing jordan, law and order, a varitey of late night tv shows and a very interesting (and even funny) documentry about funerals.

For four hours yesterday I felt fine. I felt fucking good.
but it left before midnight.

Work is dicking me around. I hate it. It's driving me crazy.

I can't wait to get out of here. I can't wait to see you. to hug you.
If things were just worked out before I got there.

Two days.

*eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

I have ants. In my bedroom. Crawling over everything.
It started with maybe 20. They had a nice little path going all around my room.
I put poison down.

They like it. They like it a lot.
I woke up with about 100 ants or more chowing down on my deliscious toxic snack I left for them the night before.

And I can't kill them. I have have to watch them form an giant assembly line through my room so they can carry the poision back to their nest for the next big feast.

It is so icky.
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I've got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's like I'm angry but I have nothing to be angry about.

I am pissed off though.
Pissed off at work.
Pissed off at money
Pissed off at situations.
Pissed off at not being able to sleep.

It's like my stress has been replaced with anger.

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Last night I dreamed that my room was infested with puppies and bunnies.
It was the best.

I applied for a student loan today. Once I know how much money (if any at all)I will be getting then I will feel a lot more at ease. I'm loosing about 5 weeks of work. It makes me nervous. Very nervous.

I need to start packing soon. Clothes, books, trinkets. What memories are left for my parents' home and which ones come with me?

I always overpack.

In the last 3 days I have watched 6 movies. three of them were musicals. Now anytime I watch TV or am sitting at the dinner table I expect someone to breakout into song. If you don't want to hear what you are singing, you just don't look at them. but you sing as loud as you want.

I got a three dollar raise. That will help.

to suzanne and Lenny for making the gucamole.

I would have cut off my hand otherwise.

It was much appreciated. I just wished I could have tasted it.

You should all drive.
You should all have cars.
You should all come visit me at my house tonight.

My parents are out of town and my sister is having a sleepover.

I'm going to go have a drink and finish my book.

*hmph*

I found the avacado.

In a pile of clean laundry?

It's still good though.

I'm good at this.

I'm going to go find treasures.
Climbing out of bed and treasure hunting.

There is none better.

I've been reading all day. Why haven't I read these before. I'm tearing through them. If I wasn't going out tonight I would have the first one finished by 11 tonight.

This is what I wanted to do. No not exactly this. Not this romantacied version. But this is what I wanted to do. Where I wanted to be.

and sometimes it makes me sad that I'm not going to anymore.

I don't think I can tell you why I decided to change my mind about it all. I don't even think that I really changed my mind. I just took a different path.

It's a part of me that no one knows and no one understands. I can tell that. No one looks at me and sees that part of me. It's there. It will always be there.

I've given up on it now though. Though it will always hide in the back of my brain.
Helping those who no one wants to help. Understanding those who no one want to understand.

Not how you think though. No sympathy. No empathy. Facination...sometimes.
You understand monsters so you can predict and prevent.

That's how you help. It's the only way.

My mom brought me back a new skirt from Calgary. I love floral prints.

Today I'm going to write you a letter. I'll tell you everything. I tell you all those things that I keep secretly hidden in a shoebox at the back of my closet. Even though it has been 4 years since I've seen you, I want to feel as though that no one knows me better. Cause that's who we are. That's who we are.

I'm never nervous when I sing. Funny how you said it was the best you ever heard me sing that song the night that I was coughing so hard and so often that I was in a constant state of dizziness due to oxygen depervation.

I love that word. Oxygen. I like the look of the x-y-g all in a row.
Oxygen.

Today I'm going to finish my book because there is nothing else for me to do. I have to start your books (and finish them) before I move out in August otherwise I will scare myself and I'll have to sleep with all the lights on.

I'm not used to the city noise. Only trucks bellow down the highway behind my house, but I am sheltered by the noise by hundreds of trees.

I'm just waiting.

I feel so god-damn frustrated right now.
This is nonsense.
Everything is so unsure.
I'm actually stressed. I'm stressed because things aren't going to plan. Fuck. This is so screwed up.

I wish I had known.
I feel as if it is my fault, but I couldn't have known, could I?

Everynight for the last week (minus the night in the tent) I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and I worry. I worry so much. I grab my book so that I can try and stop the worry from keeping me awake.

Fuck I feel awful.

Here we are in our new apartment.
Look how happy I am. I'm so happy I'm singing.


Here is Jon in the bedroom. He looks impressed by my apartment picking out skills

I'm a little nervous. We've gone over it a few times now and I'm sure we can do it. I just wish that my job was a little bit more certain about my job. Like if I'll get any shifts and exactly how much money I'll be making. I feel like I'm missing out on stuff right now. I feel like it's screwing everything up.

I'm going to go sign the lease at 11:00. Then it is done.
Will you come visit me?
For one whole month I'll have a queen size bed to myself. We can have a sleepover. We can have a girls night.

I need dining room chairs. That is my quest for the next month.


I'm excited.

I got an apartment.
We got an apartment.

It's close to everything.
Work
Friends
School (for you not mr)
Down town

yay

I've told the superintendents that we are taking it. However, the landlord hasn't given the official offer. I'm a little nervous.

He says she is old and forgets things and that he'll make sure everything that needs to happen will happen.

eek!
yay!

Oh my god panic.

Things are figured out now but for a second there I really believed that I was royally fucked over.

I called my new boss to find out about my non-violent crisi intervention training. The training that I can't work at all without. Meaning untill I get it, I can't take a shift or even really set my foot in that building.

"Training is not untill June 29, 30"

Not only is that a month away (meaning no work for a month) but it is when I'm in Toronto.

I freaked.
I quit a well paying job for this.
fuck fuck fuck

I called the parents at work. Tried to figure something out.

Then my boss called.
Apparently he used to be an instructer a long time ago. They are going to let him teach me (basically I get a book and I teach myself).

I should start by monday and be able to finish the exam up in about 2 weeks or so (the the maximum timeline. I could be done by next week earliest)

Deep breath.
Thank you DJ.
I was in a panic there

"So was I"

*sigh*

no one is fucked over. Trip is still on. I will eventually get lots of work.
sigh

Today was great. I walked around in my new Tank Top and the first Kapries of the season, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

We listened to Backstreet boys, Spice girls, Ricky Martin and BoysIImen just because we could. It reminded us of Junior High when your summers were what you waited for all year and were precious, oh so precious.

I bought a giant floppy hat. I look cute/ridiculous in it. I love it.
I spent someone elses money, buying so much orange.
Best present ever.

I have more tank tops I know what to do with now. Orange, green, black and white.

I laughed at my sister. God she makes me laugh. Dancing and singing, telling the world how fabulous she is. No one makes me laugh the way she does. I guess that's why she's my sister.

Did I ever tell you how wonderful it is that you are here. You my darling are making the summer not only bearable but wonderful as it can be. I haven't had sleepovers in years, it's nice to be able to do that again.

Thursaday is going to be hectic. To the bank and tutoring. I have to drive sarah to work for 5:30 and then I have to wait till 11 so I can drive her back home. I may drop by if you aren't busy. I need to kill time.