Right now there aren't words strong enough to describe it.

Sure there are words that exist. We hear them in poems, movies and songs. I myself have uttered those words thousands and thousands of times.

But right now, in the middle of the night, they aren't powerful enough.

So for now, I won't say those words.
You know anyways.

I love to play music.
I love to sing.
I love to play the piano.

And I'm not trying to talk myself up, but I think that I do have some amount of talent at it. My piano playing is pretty shaky now since I have stoped taking lesson. I never have the time to sit down and really play anymore, and most of the songs I knew really well, well I don't know them so well anymore. However, I know that if I did have the time to sit down and practice then I would get most of it back. Like riding a bike you know.

In regards to singing, I probably do that more than I ever did because of geek beer and all. In highschool, no one really knew how much I loved to sing. Sure some knew, but unlike others, it wasn't something I was known for. Not that bothered me or anything. I really enjoy being able to sing. I mean really sing. As loud as I want, however I want to. It's nice to be able to do it for other people too. It's not like I suffer from the delusion that people are there specifically to see me (i know it's the cheap drinks baby) but it's nice to be able to direct it to someone, rather than just the inside of my car.

So I can sing.

But you know what? Every time I hear others, I'm so jealous that they get to sing their own words, play their own melody, when I have to sing someone elses.I'm so jealous that they can write their own songs and that I can't.

It's not like I haven't tried. I've tried a billion times (I might be exgerating a little bit). But everytime I try it turns out wrong. It's too simple. It doesn't flow. It seems forced. Most of the time it sounds like a country song, and I don't even like country.

And the few times I have thought that something was half decent and I have mustered up the courage to play it to someone, I have always been disapointed. It seems I'm not insecure about my talents, others think the same too.

I end up scraping it, forgetting most of it except for a line here and there.


Today I sat down at the piano and I played for at least three hours. I played the same 4 chords over and over again for 3 hours. I played around. I started with and idea, and in the end I had something that resemble what you might call a song. Yes it is simple. I'm not sure if it flows. It's not country though.

For the first time ever I feel okay about it. I probably won't ever play it for anyone, it's a big enough deal that I'm even writing about it.I have very few insecurities, but this is one of the.

But I won't forget this one.

I don't care if it is crap, it's mine and I like it.

Instead of studyong for the exam I have next week, I played the piano untill my hands were sore.

The break has been so much better than I expected. I haven't gotten as much work done as I would have liked, but that was supposed ot be the miserable part of my break anyways. I have another 3 days left anyways, without any big plans (during the day anyways).

I had a great time at the concert on monday, even though I was being crushed in a sea of lesbians. I knew most of the songs they played so that was nice. Supper was...hmmm hmm good. I'm not always a fan of chineese food, but I love the Wall. I used to go there everyweek with the entire neptune staff inbetween shows. Beef and Brocoli!

Tuesday was so fun. I don't think that I watched more than half an hour of both the movies put together, but it was still a blast. I heart babaganouch (so not how you spell it!). I rather enjoys the picture of all the girls outside the bathroom so we can see Iain's new (and now gone) moustach.

I missed my Kurt so much. I'm so glad that I have him back!!!

Only thing that was really missing this week was Kelly. I wish your break was at the same time as ours. Girls night won't be the same without you.

So.....that's it. No wait! I figured it out. I told you it wasn't Morgan Freedman

11 hours of writting later, I am finally done my analysis.

And it's completley done! which means the thing that I was going to spend the majority of my break working on isn't on my to-do list anymore!

YAYAYAYAY!

I'm gonna go eat some brownies!

that break is going to be hell for me.

It hasn't even started yet and I already had to cancel one of the few things I had planned to do this week. And why? To write up my analysis. Yes that is right, my supervisor writes me up telling me she is going to a conference on wednesday and that she needs my analysis ASAP. The analysis I have no idea how to write up? The analysis that makes me question why I am graduating from university if I can't understand my own fucking honours project?

Sure, no problem!

I have so much work to do this week. Studying, research, writing.

2 fucking months, I have 2 fucking months left.

bah!

I'm going to have fun next week.
So much fun.

the couch has become my bed once again. It's not so bad. I usually wake up at 2 in the morning and end up watching a movie till 4:30 or so. You can see the most interesting stuff on TV that late. Some of the best and most interesting movies I have ever seen have been on in the wee hours of the night.

Last night I watched a movie on Mozart. The big famous mozart movie. I forget the name.

So, who am I baking cupcakes for?

Boring update...it has just been awhile. I'll eloborate later this week. I have exams and volunteering, and a nervous feeling in my stomach.

My dreams have been crazy lately. It's exhausting. I'm having trouble keeping up with my dream self. Living in tents in attics, loosing babies,shooting Jager, going on adventures, mud fights, hottubs,crazy. It makes no sense to you? It makes no sense to me!

I wish that I could just skip next week. Not that it is a particularly hard week (I can deal with two exams)but I'm just so sick of things, I just need a break. Not that I will get much of a break over the reading week. I have a lot of work to do. However, it will be on my own schedual. I won't be going in for 9 in the morning and heading home at 7 in the evening. It is so tiring. So much so much.

I slept in till 11 today, had a huge breakfast and then went back to sleep till 1 in the afternoon. Then I came home and watched bad teen flicks.

Let's make sure we do stuff over the break. Fun stuff, crazy stuff. Things that will make us laugh. Oh and someone give me a place to crash (and most likely jon as well) so that I don't have to be the designated driver as usual?I'll make you cupcakes!

It has taken me 30 minutes to write this post.
Distractions I guess.

Tomorrow is good old valentines day. I have actually had a boyfriend for almost the last 6 or 7 years for valentines day. However, I've never really done anything super special for it. Last year I went shopping for winter boots. The year before we went to see "The Recruit" (I heart colin farrelle). I guess it isn't really a big deal. I have no plans for tomorrow. I'm going to sit and study from 11 till 6:30 and then go home a watch Kevin Smith on Degrassi: Next Generation (It's all about Cool-bad and J.J).

Oh and Kathryn, I'm banning myself from you untill thursday evening. I have two exams, and though I usually enjoy and welcome your distraction, it wouldn't be such a good idea this week.

Let's rent the "Notebook" next week though.

It's 8:30 pm and I just got home. God that makes for a long day. We are talking an average of 8 hour school days. And that is just the time spent at school, not including the time I spend working on school work at home.

We got home tonight and mom told us that our car (not the one I drive around but the other one) got broken into. The only thing they stole was her briefcase. That had her phone and her brand new work palm pilot in it. However it is the brief case that she is the most upset about. It was a gift from hospital, that was given to her when she left her job this fall. It was italien leather, and she actually bought it in Italy on her trip in October. It really sucks.

on a happier note, I do enjoy so very much the way your face lights up when you see me unexpectdely.

I'm gonna go watch lost and look at my pictures from my trip to Europe.

So check my statcounter I found that someone in signapore searched the internet for the infamous clip of the weiner dog trying to hump a grown lion and found my blog.

In fact I was the only search result that matched.

Weird.

This is going to be a bad day.

The parking ticket I got after being only 5 minutes out of my car tells me so.

You know what pisses me off?

One of your favorite musicans decides to put out a new CD. They have released all the songs you love again, but they redo them, actually improving them. They sound great. You didn't think that the song could get better but somehow they did.

So what is the problem. It's a double CD. They are selling it along with the Original recordings of the CD. But you already have that one. So not only are you paying for the same songs, only redone, but you are paying for the exact same CD you already own.

This is retarded! RETARDED!

So now you don't buy it because it is a waste of your money...but you don;t get to have the new and improved one either.

ARG!

So before this goes too far
Let me tell you what you are
You're amazing, I'm attracted
But I'm terribly distracted
And I'm trying to be verbal
And I'm back into this circle
Because I just found someone special
And that's really something special
If you knew me
Nice to meet you anyway
-Nice to meet you, Gavin Degraw

Why has everyone been asking me if I'm okay lately? Why do they think I'm pissed, or sad or whatever? I'm not. I'm fine. For once in the last two years I'm not stressed. For once I have good idea what I am doing with myself. For once I am having fun more than once every two months.

Let's have a sleepover and be the biggest girls ever. We'll get drunk in t-shirts and underwear. We'll rent the notebook. We'll giggle and tell stories.

I'm home doing nothing this evening. Not even this evening. All day.That is not what I want to be doing. I want to be doing anything else. Why is it when I don't have saturday off there are loads of things going on, and when I do have it off everyone has made plans that don't involve me.

I haven't seen a movie in theatres in months.

If you are going to tell me anything, write it down. I have a horrible short term memory. I already forget what songs you want me to learn.

Last night was fun. I enjoyed Widom Earl. "Take on me " will always do good by me. There is a only a small group of people that I can enjoy being around for e xtended period of time when I'm sober and their drunk (it just gets tired with others). Luckly I was with those people last night.

Bizarro. I love you.

Call me.

I should be doing french homework right now. Instead I'm killing time on the computer untill I have to go to class. I've been listening to Bon Jovi all morning (or should I say Sarah has been listening to it all morning and I have just been sitting around and enjoying). I' ve decided that there is a new song I will add to my repetoire. I have about 5 or 6 songs in the process of being learned. I need a friend who will play the drums. Most of the songs I learn are lacking good needed drums.

Maybe I should take up drums. That would be cute.

Today is crazy busy. I'm going from class to meeting to class to meeting to class. No one will see me today. But then tomorrow I am once again stuck in this building with almost nothing to do for 6 hours straight. Horrah!

I went to bed last night at 8:30. I was so tired. I only got home at 8:00. All the work I had to do is so not done. FUCK.

Last night at 3am I think I finally flipped the switch. I don't care about it anymore. It's someone else's issue to worry about. At least I think. Give it a few days and we will see.

Updates are boring lately. I'm boring lately.

Some people are so retarded. They say the stupiest things. They make me want to hurt things.

Then I calm my rage with a swig of crazy juice.

The car is offically back. My bender had come to an end.

Last doctor appointment today. Deep breathe. Only good thing about this one is that I may get to miss French class (I an never ever taking a night class ever again).

Back to work. Grr Arg.