There is just something so wonderful about dancing to "it's raining men" in a crowd of gay men. It just warms my heart.

Update: What I did over study break

-I'm giving up (or is it that i'm making my decision)
-i'm tired...all I want is to sleep and never look at work that tries to be a passion but can't make it over the hill
-I danced, and I needed it
-I fell asleep with my boy, and I needed it

I'm not going to try anymore. I;ve surrendered to the fact. I'm okay with it. I've sent out the necessay mail.

Most people I know don;t know I can sing. They have no idea at all. It's always a shock to them. How can I think that i'm putting myself out there if they don't know something so pivitol in my life? How do things become secrets when you try and scream them to the world?

I just got home for the first time since wednesday morning. I was stuck, hating the days. Not the people, the people were great, but I was just not where I needed to be. I needed to be home. I needed to be able to read blogs, catching up on how others were dealing with their snow prisons.

I sat there holding back the tears because I just needed to be home.

Thank you Andrew for taking care of us the last 2 days. It is appreciated.

I've decided that I need to redefine my daily schedule. I'm tired all the time. I need a set bed time. No more of this falling asleep on the couch. I can honestly say that since this summer I have probably gone to bed at my own will maybe 4 times. I can't go to bed without falling asleep on the couch first.

It to be useful. If you fall asleep watching TV, and the saunter to bed a 2 in the morning, you won't be subjected to your thoughts running through your head as you lay trying to sleep, keeping you awake, haunting you, making you feel like you've missed something. I don't fall asleep in my own bed because I'm terrified that will happen.

it just becomes a habit and now the minute I hit a couch I become tired, and even if i'm tired I can't go to bed... I have to turn on the TV and then I drift away.

Therefore this weeks resolution is to have a bed time.

Have you ever fallen in love with a song? I mean really fall in love. Every note sends emotion through your body. You get the feeling that nothing could be more beautiful and all you want do is hold it in your arms forever. The music envelops you, caressing your body and brushing up against your lips.

And all you can do is smile and be filled with love. The mixture of the cords and the voices makes you want to spill tears of love and admiration.

Lines For The Fortune Cookies
by Frank O'Hara

I think you're wonderful and so does everyone else.

Just as Jackie Kennedy has a baby boy, so will you--even bigger.

You will meet a tall beautiful blonde stranger, and you will not say hello.

You will take a long trip and you will be very happy, though alone.

You will marry the first person who tells you your eyes are like scrambled eggs.

In the beginning there was YOU--there will always be YOU, I guess.

You will write a great play and it will run for three performances.

Please phone The Village Voice immediately: they want to interview you.

Roger L. Stevens and Kermit Bloomgarden have their eyes on you.

Relax a little; one of your most celebrated nervous tics will be your undoing.

Your first volume of poetry will be published as soon as you finish it.

You may be a hit uptown, but downtown you're legendary!

Your walk has a musical quality which will bring you fame and fortune.

You will eat cake.

Who do you think you are, anyway? Jo Van Fleet?

You think your life is like Pirandello, but it's really like O'Neill.

A few dance lessons with James Waring and who knows? Maybe something will happen.

That's not a run in your stocking, it's a hand on your leg.

I realize you've lived in France, but that doesn't mean you know EVERYTHING!

You should wear white more often--it becomes you.

The next person to speak to you will have a very intriquing proposal to make.

A lot of people in this room wish they were you.

Have you been to Mike Goldberg's show? Al Leslie's? Lee Krasner's?

At times, your disinterestedness may seem insincere, to strangers.

Now that the election's over, what are you going to do with yourself?

You are a prisoner in a croissant factory and you love it.

You eat meat. Why do you eat meat?

Beyond the horizon there is a vale of gloom.

You too could be Premier of France, if only ... if only...

I am not against drugs, I just don;t do them.

That's what I say everytime someone offers me a smoke, a toke or whatever. Same goes for alcohol. I've realized that this is only half true. I mean I don;t think anyone should do hard drugs. And as a psychology student I know exactly how drugs alter the chemistry of your brain, causing reactions that your body has evolved to prevent at all cost when you are sober. I mean if the stuff that happened to you when your high happened without a drug, you would be diagnosed with a neurological disorder.

However when it comes to alcohol and pot I guess i'm not really against it. My friends, boyfriend, parents can drink all the hell they want. Then why don't I? I guess I would say i'm scared. Not in the sense you are thinking though. I;m not scared like a 15 year old out wit her friends getting drunk for the first time, hoping that they won't get caught when they stumble into the house. No, I know I would be okay.

The honest truth is I hate the feeling of loosing control. I hate that feeling of roller blading down the hill, picking up speed faster and faster and you know that gravity is running the show, not you. That's what I equate drugs to. i'm not talking about adrenaline or a rush or anything, just this "I'm not in complete control of myself"

So you say I don't know that that is what it will feel like, or even if it is similar that I won;t like it in this context. Well I may have never had alcohol or pot or anything but I have had my experiences with drugs. I know what it is like to loose complete control of your emotions. Do you know what it feels like to be in utter disappear, and it's the funniest thing in the world. Word of wisdom, do not read "1984" in that state, you already feel enough that you control nothing about yourself without reading that book. I've also been stoned. Yes it has been of anti-histamines, but I was hardly 90 pounds, they hit me and hit me hard. I know it's probably not like a "real" stone, but I know I hated the feeling. I laid on my bed for an hour, levitating above it and floating down like a feather over and over. These were perscription and over the counter drugs. I mean the high you get after really good sex, as much of how good it feels, it still gets me a little on edge.

Drugs are just not for me. I know that.

But,

Sometimes I wish when I'm stressed as hell that I could sit and have a drink. Of course there has been the odd moment when I have felt left out when all my friends are drinking, espesically if i'm the only sober one there. And most of all i'd love to drink with kurt. We are so great when we are sober, I'd love to see what we would be like when we;re drunk.

I found out today that UBC and Simon Fraiser university in British Columbia have a joined program where you can get you degree in law and psychology togther.

Why don't the education gods just throw something else into the mess of things?

I wish that I had someone grab my hand, dragging me to the dance floor. I'm jealous because I have no one who tries to dress me up and do my make up. I'm jealous that I don't have someone to watch survivor with and *swoon* over Jewish soccer players.

I wish I could have sleep-overs. I wish I could drink a bottle of wine and talk the whole night.

it's not the same over the phone. I mean it's better than nothing, but i miss her a lot. I can't wait till she comes back for a visit, and everything is just like we are in grade 7, the two of us lying in sleep bags on my bedroom floor, scared of oujia board we had made earlier that evening. Well the same in principle.

My sister has a huge group of girl friends. The core of their social circle is these 5 girls. Some times I'm so glad that my friends weren't just clique-y girl group, the drama is insane, and all girls will be bitches at some time, and it's even worse when the bitch tidal wave hits them all at the same time.

But then there are times I wish I had that. I'd love to go out with the girls for dinner every once and awhile. When one of Sarah's friends moves away, they take her out, give her gifts and they cry. I don;t think anyone would cry if I moved away.

I have friends who are girls. I love them dearly. But I read their blogs and I see them in the marquee, or the paper chase, or hanging out in the kitchen at the party, and i get jealous of what they have.

Everyone is still asleep. I think they are ignoring their alarm clocks, hiding from work. I get up all by myself. I don't have a day off today. I'm heading to that big brick building to sit in a room with someone who has been in jail. I'll read him questions about his feelings and drug habits. I'll help him.

I know and understand that most people my age don;t know what the fuck they are doing. I know that we are all asking the same questions over and over.

But it's in my hands. It's right in front of me, and i'm reaching to grasp it so hard, I can reach it so easily. It's not what do I do? but do I do this? I'm putting in the hours, fuck i'm starting my honors thesis a whole half a year early. Am I killing my self for no reason?

All I want to do is go on a trip. I want to go away somewhere new. Maybe somewhere were there is no ocean so I can see how much I will miss it.

everyweek I think that I can't do this anymore. It's not how I want to spend the rest of my life. But every week I go back and change my mind. I flip, and then I flop. I fall in love an hate with the idea. If I close my eyes and imagine i'm happy, what do I see?

I see red.

But then three times a week, if I closed my eyes while I was sitting at the table, with all their eyes listening to eachother, I see no other place to be. When my hours are up, I don't want to leave. How can I? One more pairs of eyes listening helps.

But today, I see red.

So he didn't see his shadow. An early spring should be on it's way. And if you go outside right now, it feels like he is telling the truth. Today it feels like snow day. A day that we would go sleading. We'd all be bundled up, dragging our sleds up to boutilier point elementary. I'd have my bright red sled that Ian would pull me along in the street. Others would have their crazy carpets, continuely having to unroll them before they could take a running start at the hill. Someone would even have a GT. Since I was little I always been jealous of anyone who has a GT, but terified any time they offer me a ride.

We'd smooth the snow as we raced down the hill, seeing who could come closest to the school walls. Ben would of course smack right into them. We'd have a tiny little jump at the bottom. I would fly in the air and land hard on my ass everytime. I don't have snow pants, so i would be wearing at least 2 pairs of pants to keep out the wet snow and the cold. We'd throw snowballs. We'd stay at the bottom of the hill a little longer each time, tireing of the walk back up the hill.

We'd walk back to amy's, have hot chocolate in her kitchen, watching her home vidoes of high school.

This is the only time I like winter. I hate the cold and the blinding light of winter. I hate my big puffy coat, my cold toes and the feeling of soaking mittens. But winter turns into something entirely different on our hill. Their presence and laughter warms me up. We are having fun. Real fun,

I want to go on an adventure. Do something I have never done before. I don't think i've ever been on an adventure. Well maybe Italy was an adventure. I was in a world that was totally different than mine. It was a world of infatuated boys, strangers sending us wine in outdoor cafes, horseback riding in mountains, swimming in the middle of the Mediterranean ocean off a boat, smoking pot on the beach with the hotel staff, learning the Italian names for the constellations, hugging a stranger. I was only 15.


I guess that is an adventure. I started this post thinking I had never experienced anything amazing. I;m dead wrong.

That's a nice thing about bloggs, they make you realize things that weren't apparent to you before.

But now I want another adventure. Some one come adventuring with me.

I woke up at three am last night on the couch. I watched 2 hours of "Six feet under". I like that show. It makes me love my boyfriend more. Don't know why. He just pops into my head whenever I watch it.

Then around 5 I changed the channel, and came across a television show called "maximum eXposure". It looked like a animal show. You know one of the zoo like shows. They were doing the "coolest animals ever!". All it was, was different kind of animals humping. I saw Kawolas humping, sea turtles humping, monkeys humping. And then I saw the weirdest thing I think I have ever seen. A wiener dog trying to hump a grown lion. WHAT THE FUCK!?

I then turned off the tv and went to bed.