Why do schoolwork when you can spend the afternoon making photoshops?

I've been hanging out in the building too long.

I've decided to skip out on class early. You know we only have 3 actual class this term. It's not like I will be missing anything important.

It's amazing. If you go back and look through it all, it's almost word for word.

I have a feeling it is going to be hard to anything this week. And of course it is the week where things are starting to pile up.

things are so crazy.

I get the car back tomorrow! Praise the Lord! I am sick of being a nusissance that people have to go out of the way to go get. I will be independent at last!

Saturday sucked. Big time. I am not a fan of the play and it is three hours long. Three hours of people complaining and whinning. At least from now on I am only working bar shifts so I don't have to watch it again. Though bar isn't fun because for some reason the people who come to this show really like to booze it up. Maybe it's the only way to get through the show. I made 15 bucks in tips in only 15 minutes so that's not bad. I'll make some pocket change as the bar tender. AND next week I have saturday off so yay! Anything going on.

Yesterday was fun though. Laying around the house doing nothing with you is so much more fun than laying around the house doing nothing by myself. Also it is always fun watching a movie that you loved as a kid and seeing what is really like as an adult. Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles doesn't keep it's appeal as you age. We laughed all the same though.

Off to class...then to volunteer...then to kill time...then to class....and then out?

So here you are, checking in to see if Kaitlin has posted a drunked blog.

Well I'm sorry you are out of luck. I got in the car a sobered up pretty quickly. I have a headache now and I'm about to hop into bed (by this I mean fall asleep infront of the TV).

I hope I'm not an annoying when I drink. I know I swore at Iain a lot (not that that is a big difference) and freaked out ben a little (that was fun).

At least I know that I can still sing when I drink. I love "Dirty Dancing" and I'm not ashamed to say it. Sean knows me very well. He knew just what would get me up there.

When you never drink and then you do, you become entertainment for other people. I'm not sure if I like that.

I actually a little sad that we had to leave early. I've felt very in the loop lately, not something I have always felt. I didn't really want to leave. But I guess it is better than not been able to show up at all.

I have to work from 2:30 till 11:30. I am not looking forward to it at all. I was used to having my weekends to myself. No more. There goes the loop getting smaller and smaller.

I think I am having a sleepover with my sister and her best friend tomorrow. Girls love sleepover. I haven't had one of my own in years (moncton doesn't count. Those are weekends not sleepovers). The last one I had was with Kurt. We watched Molin Rouge and stayed up talking till 6:30 in the morning about things that aren't so important now.

So I guess we have to figure what is going on this summer huh?

I just realized (and by just realized I mean I realized a week ago) that I've been bloging for a year. I've enjoyed the experience. I also enjoy that others have done so as well. I've learned more about people I thought I knew well, and I've even made friends because of it (we missed you tonight ron! I had a little to drink. It was mildly entertaining). I like it so much that I have more than one. (hehe...I bet you didn't know that).



Oh and Iain, it's Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Patrick Swazy is my hero!!!

When I say that I would like to get a much of my thesis done as possible this month.....I mean THIS FUCKING MONTH.

When you say I can't get going on it till we have our meeting, then let's have the fucking meeting.

So the meeting is canceled for the 3rd time now. We aren't meeting till next wednesday now.

GROWL!!!!!!

At least I don't have to be at the CS building for 9 hours straight before the geekbeer (though I was looking forward to seeing the boy finally). I'll be there around 5. Just in time to sit around and watch the boys set up.

I am preparing for a day in my pyjamas, reading about youth crime and eyewitness testimony. Ill take a little break for hot topics (I'm tired of hiding it. It's part of who I am and you will just have to accept it. I like the view and I'm proud of it. um...well sorta...I mean I don't watch it all the time....I catch it everyonce and awhile....and I hate Star Jones....and....I'm so ashamed).

I have one hour before I need to send these off in the mail. ONE HOUR. otherwise they won't get there for monday.

And of course now is the time the printer freezes!

GRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHH

I'm on doctor's appointment number 2 in 2 days.

Ironic thing is that I'm perfectly healthy

I'm making soup and filling out forms today. I'm applying to half of my schools today. I hope I get in somewhere (I hope I get into the mount).

Sorry girl day got canceled. I was looking forward to it. I always am.

Today is a back a forth day. I was in town. Now I'm back at home. I'll be back in town for 5:30. Then I have to wait from 7 till 9 till I can get home again. Home work at the CSbuilding it is. I don;t even have a boy this time to distract me.

It's a boo-urns kinda day.

Tomorrow I have a meeting from 3 to 5. However I am still sans vehicle, so I have to go in with my dad at 7:30 in the morning.

Double boo-urns.

Though since I'm not driving tomorrow I will be drinking. Not a lot, but enough for me. I'll be going but leaving earlyish (10:30 or so).

see ya

I freaked out when they put in the IV. I get all nervous and I panic a bit. The nurse was very nice. She said she hated putting them in and that she prayed everytime she did them. She said she had lots of practice.

(if it's akward let me know. I don't want it to be akward. That's the last thing I want. for me it's important that it's not)

Once it was in I calmed down. The pain went away and I waited around for an hour or so on a bed. They finally wheeled me in and they sprayed my throat with the most god awful tasting stuff. I swear that it is the worse tasting stuff you will ever have in your mouth. my tounge and throat quickly went numb. It felt like I couldn't breath.

The doctor was very nice. He said that this time he was going to give me strong drugs. He injected them, and the last thing I remember is my vision going blurry and me shouting "Whooooooo!".

I woke up and hour later. I started singing "I've been working on the railroad" quietly to myself. I really wanted apple juice. They gave it to me and told me I could stay till I was ready to leave.

I decided to leave when I was still groggy. Nurses were asking me if I was okay as I stumbled out of the recovery room. "I'm fine. My legs are just taking a nap. They'll wake up later."

I ate ice cream on the ride home.

I hurts to swallow now. They dilated my esphogus. They streched it. Now it feels like everytime I swallow that I am trying to swallow a softball.

I just wrote a very long post, recaping my weekend, pouring my little heart out, and singing the praises of Charlie Kaufman.

Then my computer froze and I lost the whole thing. I refuse to write it again goddamnit! Here is the 30 second version

-Staff meeting was fun. I got to walk on the catwalks. Bad pizza
- Kathryn is great. Made me stay in town so I would have some fun.
-Girly drinks are fun
-Beer is not fun. Yuck
-Getting snowed in town would have been fun.
-Sigh

-Weekend was supoosed to make me feel good
-I feel like crap
-Snowed in
-Don't want to be here

-Everyone must see Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind
-If you have every been in love you will appreciated it
-Closest a movie has ever been at portraying what love is actually like.
-It's about how fucked up love is
-How about falling in love can be the scariest and most hurtful thing you do to yourself
-But we are humans. We will keep doing it no matter the circumstances or how confusing it might make your life.

You get the idea

We are supposed to have yet another massive blizard tomorrow. Whiteouts. 30 cm of snow. Winds reaching speeds of 100 km/h.

What does that mean? I'm not in moncton. The trip that I organized for everyone to go down to see Kelly is canceled.

Kinda.

Everyone else is going except me. They are going to brave the storm.

A little too wise for that. Not me. I'm not going to drive across the provience in a storm they are saying might be worse than the last two.

But man does this suck.

So Im stuck here in the computer science building. Yes that's right! Now that I'm stuck in town all weekend I have to go to the staff meeting I was going to blow off because I was supposed to be gone. However. I still don;t have a car, so I had to come in early with my parents and kill 3 hours. Then Ihave to sit in the staff meeting for another 3 hours.

This weekend is going to suck so much.

I'm going to hate myself in the morning. No...wait...it is morning.

I have to go to the hospital on wednesday. I really don't want to. Follow up appointments are the worst. At least with the intial appointments they are fixing something. They are sticking a camera on a stick down your throat to fix something. This time they are sticking it down there just to tell me that everything is a-okay.

It's only been a month and the self-destructiveness has already begun. And really for no good reason. They were generous to me last term. They won't be so much for this one.

3 more months. Then I'll be done. No more lugging around a school bag. No more walking from class to class. No more spending hours upon hours sitting on those couches waiting for another class to begin. No more....

I'm, for the almost the first time ever, am not driving this weekend. I will not be responsible for getting us from one place to the other.

Maybe I'll have a drink.
Maybe I'll have four.

I have to be up in two hours to tutor Jr. High kids.
Fuckin' A.

When I am walking outside on a cold day, such as the one we are having right now, a familiar sequence always occurs. You see when I'm unbelievaibly cold (which happens ofter, I get cold very easily) I tend to tense up my muscles in an effort to stay warm. This is automatic, not something that I am consioucly doing.One set of muscles that is particularily effected by the cold is my face muscles. This causes my cheeks to to tighten, producing a cold induced smile. Therefore when I am very cold, I am constantly smiling, even though I am far from happy. This results in me smiling this big toothy grin to every stranger I walk by. However I am unaware that I'm doing this. So I'm always brought aback when a random stranger will give me a strange look, or even smiles back.

If only they knew in my head I was swearing at the god damn fucking cold

Let's go out. We'll shower and get dressed up. We'll sit in a restaurent. Everyone will think we are on our first date. A new young couple holding hands across the table. Strangers becoming familiar. We'll fool them all. They won't know about the trips, the laughing and the millions of kisses.

The butterflies will come back. A nervous ball in our tummies everytime we look into eachother eyes. A shiver everytime the inside of the arm is litely touched.

But no what if's. No anxieties.We'll secretly know.

Hmmm*

It's midnight and I just got that nervous feeling where your stomach jumps into your throat.

I can see what is happening.

Muscles I didn't even know I had are aching.

I'm going to go to bed and pray to the same snow gods I prayed to when I was little just so I can get an extra day.

I just need an extra day to do something with all this.

The best part of my day is just after I wake up and step into the shower. There is nothing like a hot steaming shower to awaken every single cell of your body. When I first get into the shower I turn the water on by making it as hot as possible, then adjusting it to the right temperature just before I step beneath the water.

It's not scalding hot, but it's hot enough so that you can feel your skin reacting to the temperature change.

As I become climatized to the water, I begin to slowly add more and more hot water. I eventually get it to a temperature that would have been scalding had it been the intial temperature of when I first stepped into the shower stall.

Before I turn off the water and finish my shower, I raise my hands in the air, my plams flat above of head, creating a waterfall over my entire body. The water flows over every inch of my flesh. My face, my arms, my chest,my back, my stomach, my thighs. Instead of being rained down on my the shower, I am being enveloped by the water, it following my every curve.

Then the heat begins to fade. I stand there just before the water turns from warm to cold, and I quickly turn of the tap.

I'm fresh. I'm clean.
I'm awake.

It always happens.

I seem to have it all underwraps. I'm in control. I've beat it.
But then I have a dream like I did last night, and it all comes flooding back. Like it has been with me all along.

I've tried it all. I've tried to ignore it, I've tried to scream it at the top of my lungs. No success.

_________________________________________________________________

I can't wait till next weekends road trip. Nothing but fun. Nothing but laughs. Nothing but adoration.

I'm gonna dance my guts out.

Do you ever loose something and look for it over and over again, and then like a week later you find it in the exact spot you have been searching.

I've been looking for my french dictionary for a week now. I had left it on my desk but it had disapeared. I looked all over my desk at least 3 different occasions.

Where do I find it today? My desk!

I swear there are gnomes in my house who are stealing my things so that they can learn a second language.

That or really strong mice.

We had Jello for desert tonight

It was so good.

I heart Jello.

When ever I drink anything with Caffein in it, I go a little nutty.

First my breath quickens. Then my heart starts to race. Then my head feels light and weird. Like it would float right up to the ceiling. Then I start to get nervous. Some times I panic.

Basically I get a caffein induce panic attack (though it is fairly mild). I know what is going on and I'm able to calm down usually am able to improve things by slowing down my breathing.

I just found out recently that it is known condition.Caffenism.knowing that it is just the particular chemistry of my body help things.

I just avoid Caffein.

Though I had tea today. It's not as bad as coffee but I still have an uneasy feeling because of it. I feel nervous mostly. Stupid tea

Thank god though that chocolate doesn't seem to trigger it.

I decided that a fresh new start needed a fresh new layout.

I likey

Here I go again.

Last term. This time I am ensuring that it will be less stressful. I have put in place safe guards to ensure this. Roadtrips and girls weekends are planned. Dancing is planned. I've decided that I'm going to make sure that all those people who make me laugh and smile will always be in close proxmitity for when I need them.

I'm going to watch more movies.

Most of all, I'm not going to allow those things that enter your minf and swirl around and keep you up at night to bother me anymore.

Cleans sweep. I'm getting rid of all my bagage.

This is my last term. who knows where I will be in September. This is all about having fun. Fun Fun Fun.

So...what are we doing this weekend?

Fuck you