I obessess over things. I go over them through my head over and over and over. Guilt is something that I have to look out for because if I'm not careful I can let it consume me.

There are things that still pop into my head that happened ages ago that I shouldn't still feel guilty over. Things that no one probably remembers. Times I was rude or insenstive. Times I was out of character. Times I was snobby.

I'm a nice girl. I really am. So I end up obessessing and feeling guilty about things that other people might brush off.

I'm way better than I used to be. In highschool, if something stressful or bad happened, it was all I could think about. All I could talk about.

Now?...I don't know...I'm better than I was.

There is something liberating about talking about your own flaws.

Tonight is the first night that I have been by myself for the whole evening since I started housesitting. Usually I'm working, or out, or have people over. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I'll probably go make a croissant sandwich and watch some TV. What the hell comes on Thursday night.

I'm sorry. I felt guilty right away. I love you.

Tomorrow is a nothing day. A day full of errands and visits. I have to go home for a little bit ot pick up a DVD player for Saturday. I'm visiting people as they work (will you still have a shift at the info desk? it's been a week since I've seen you. I'm running out of candy! (jk)). I think I'll take one of the lasgnas out of the fridge for lunch or dinner. Ooo! I have just enough wine left for a glass. yay.

Anyone want to go for a little ride tomorrow or have lunch (it's free)?

I got all my marks back. I'm offically done. Don't with a cummulative average of 3.91. Not too shabby eh? I even got A-'s in the classes that I needed to and I have my forensic certificate too!

My old boss called me today and offered me a job at the Dream home this summer. I'd make about 8 or 9 bucks and hour, be senior sales person, meaning I would be incharge of everyone else, and I'd get to make my own schedual.

However, it is only for two months. I'd start May 8th and end on July 10th. That means that I would have to find a job again in July.

he sounded pretty desperate. He said if I wanted to work just for one to three weeks, and leave when I found a better job, then I could.

I don't know what to do. He's giving me to monday to decide.

*grumble*

I just wish the hospital would let me know if I have an interview.

It's been a good couple of few days.
I've started great books.
I spent the last two days with Kathryn. It was very fun. Sitting around the DMV isn't too bad if you've got someone to giggle with.

Yesterday we walked and walked around down town. We walked for almost 4 hours straight. We have to go back to Diomios for the Avacado and Brie sandwiches.

I think yesterday is the day that needs to be beat for the title of "best day ever".

though my favorite moment of the day was at amy's when the lock "broke" and I attacked it with a screw driver, "magically" fixing it.

Once I'm back home I'll post the the rita pictures. I want to see the pepper mill pictures too!

The joke is done. We had a great time last night and used up an entire can of whip (wipe) cream. Though we missed you girls who couldn't be with us.

On another completely differnt note: I love you and you will get through this. I'll bring you tea and ice cream untill you can't help but smile. I'll give you hugs. I let you climb in bed with me if you need to. That's what I'm here for, to take care of you when you need it.

Once again it is back up. For good (at least till august) too. They are having a few difficulties with it, and it goes down for a minute or two everyonce and awhile, but be patient and you shall prevail.

Now get on there are start posting again. Tout Suite!

I'm very pleased that the fish and the potatoes turned out. that's the fanciest thing I've ever cooked...and she ain't to fancy is she?

But everyone gobbled it up, which I took as a good sign. I feel a little better about moving out now that I know that I can semi cook.

This week I think I'm going to try and make a quiche. You're all welcome to come try a piece.

Also I think we should eat ice cream sundays everytime we get togther.

*swoon* *double swoon*

That was not okay.
I invite you over, I make you dinner....and then that happens?

I respected you, and all I want to do now is scream at you.
More than one line was crossed tonight, and you can't go back.

and I'm not sorry.
Not one bit.

So apparently when I drink I get a little self concious.
In general, I'm little miss self esteem.
When I drink...I feel stupid. I'll get over it.

I just wish the spinning would stop. It's been 7 hours since I got home and everything is still spinning. no headache though...just spinning.

I had very weird dreams last night.
there was a running theme of us all, no matter where we were, trying to all sit/laydown on a big couch or bed. We would all pile on, squished into eachother.
I dreamt that you came back home, but then when I turned around to look at you it was only Andy wearing your clothes.

I'm bored....and dizzy.

Dirty pictures with Rita this evening?

I don't remember the end of the film, but I finished the book only a week ago so I know what happened.

I know they aren't, but I feel like everyone is laughing at me. There goes Kaitlin who never drinks, who therefore is the cheapest drunk around. Well I want you to know I drank an equivalent to a pint of alcohol (don't worry baby, I'm okay and safe). Will this feeling of feeling like a fool ever go away?

I had a fun night. Promise me that we will have fun nights like this again. Lots of them. Don't get sick of me. okay I'm done.
I'm dizzy.
You should come to my house. It will be fun.

Call me tommorrow. I'm doing nothing all day. I don't want to do nothing all by myself.

I'm missing 5 bucks...no wait...I bought a sub with it...and cookies...hmmmm cookies...

see drunk posts aren't that bad.
I'm so dizzy.

The server is once again down. It should be back up by sometime tuesday.

Now back to your regular programed blogging.
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I got up really early this morning so that I could go to the hospital and volunteer. I decided not to call ahead and just show up. Turns out no one is in today. So it's 9:30 am and I've already been up 2 hours for no good reason.

If all cats were like PussPuss I would definately want a cat. Cuddles in the morning. Belly scratches (his belly not mine). Purring next to be as I sleep. Maybe it's just my maternal side talking, but this is the sweetest cat ever.

Today is a day of errands. Job applications, pick up my thesis, grocery shopping (I'm buying salmon, if you don't like it I'll have it another night), comparitive shopping.

I'm buying ice cream. You can't have the girls over without ice cream.

Boring entry I know...but I'm bored and have nothing else to do.

The server is up....at least for a little while.

Jon is in Ottawa and the site is up and running. It will go down again when he hits the road for toronto. I'm not 100% when that is though. Though I do know he will be there by tuesday.

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so tuesday looks like dinner with the girls. Call me and we'll arrange it.

But what about monday night. Things should be done on monday.
What about a good old fashion movie night.
Maybe at Iain's? Maybe here.

call me or post if you are interested. I'll get a hold of Mr. Gillis.
It's Kathryn's last exam tomorrow! I say we celebrate! let's get drunk and watch Batman!

First thing I did when I got home last night was go look at their book shelves and pick a few books to read. In the next two weeks the aim is to read 3 books. No problem.

At 5 in the morning I was woken up by a cat pawing at my sholder "Hey you! wake up. Feed me and then play with me"....this went on for the next three hours. But I wasn't going to give in otherwise this would become a regular morning ritual.

Dad came by this morning and we had tea and chocolate croissants. God I love croisants.

I'm really not doing anything all week. A few errands and I work today and wednesday night, but that's it. Otherwise I'm sitting at home doing nothing at all.

Call me.
Cell 478-6300.

I'm going to go look in my cookbook now to come up with some stuff to cook this week.

Miss you

It all starts tomorrow.

In town. Friends and drinks. Sleeping alone. Dawson and Buffy united. Cookbooks and Yoga. Resumes and coverletters. Walking and taxis. Kitties. Insecurties and laughing till I fall down. Trying to fill the time.no more hugs and no more cuddles.Dreams.dreams.dReAmS. knitting. Dancing. working. Looking for a new place to live. downtown. no money.sleeping in. books and then more books. hardwood floors. missing. lonely. tanktops. sandals. shopping. blankets.

I graduate on May 24. I have to call the registrar's office to see iff I can get 3 extra tickets so my relatives can come down. My aunt and uncle want to come down from cape breton. It's nice to have people come down just to see you.

in the next week we will be booking our trip to ontario. We'll go up May 31 to Ottawa, spend canada day weekend there and family reunion it up. Then I'll let you wisk me off to Toronto for a week.

Then I'll come home and miss you even more.

I say we have a big girly sleepover.

in twelve hours I write my last exam of my degree.

What am I doing to celebrate?
I'm coming home and cleaning my room and the computer room.

Lets go and see a movie or something...or maybe just go out for a good bowl of soup.

When I understand it, I quite like math.

I like plugging numbers in to equations and figuring things out.
I like having to figure out what equations you have to use it the first place.
I like moving variables around so that I can answer the questioned asked.
I like algebra

I like processes. I'm all about them. I like having a set way of doing things.
This is why I like busy work. Organzing things. Repetitive work. I like the process of it all.

Me, myself, how I live my life, well lets just say I don't have a process so much. I'm not that organzied. When it come to things like school and money I'm fairly organized. But me? not so much.
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If I get this job at the hospital this summer, I have the potential to make a lot of money. I need a plan so that I can save as much money as I can. I'll be putting it aside for school and for moving. But I'm also hoping to put some aside in a trip fund. It was 7 years ago now that I went to Europe. It has been 4 years since I have seen, even really talked to my best friend there. Next summer, I would like to visit her. Go see the mountains again. Maybe take another trip together to Italy.

That would be wonderful

Everyone is afraid of something. Spiders. Snakes. Heights.

I dpn't really have any fears like those perse. I'm not a fan of things you can fall off of (ladders/bridges).It's not a height thing,but a falling thing. But I'm more uncomfortable than afraid.

I do of course have fears. But they are more linked to time and situations rather than objects.

This summer I'm afraid:
-I won't get a job. I'm offically off the payrole. Moving out and going to school. lotsa money
-To be in a strange house for a few weeks all bymyself. I'm excited but I hate sleeping in an empty house
- Cats. they scratch and hiss...okay more of I don't like cats than I'm afraid of them.
-Bordem.
-Wandering around Toronto all by myself
-sitting at home all summer
-no hugs
-spending too much money
-none of my plans will pan out.
-stuff...

Alright, I get it...I'm being annoying...too needy.
That's it now. No more.I'm done.

No complaing. It's out there now, it is done.
What happens, happens. Go along for the ride.

But I'm not climbing any ladders.

I'm applying for a job at the children's hospital.
I meet all the requirements.
I have connection at the hospital since mom worked for them for 12 years
I already volunteer in a similar program

I would be making 14$ to 18$ an hour.
I'd be casual, which would mean i'd have alternating day, evening, and weekend shifts.

I want this job.
I want this job.
I want this job.

(ps. I could come visit you at work. If I'm coming home from a night shift you could make me coffee so I'll stay awake on the drive home)

Once again I have another extension on one of my papers. Seriously....i have probably written 7 or papers this year and I have gotten extension on all but 2 ....and those were my thesis proposal and my thesis it's self.

I'll get it done. I'm just having a real hard time starting it at all. I hate this. I just want it all to be over with. I was supposed to be done by tomorrow and I've extended it till monday now. Fuck.

Also I would like to put somedates to somethings so that I can plan my time a little better. when should we do the buffy day? who all is coming? I also want to have a supper. I'm going to try and make lasagna...but I can't eat it all by myslef, so I might as well have people over to help me. I think I'll do that when I'm house sitting. We can make it dinner and movie maybe....or we could always combine it with the trivial pursuit thing Iain has wanted to do for awhile. Anyone up for that...I know Shawn is as he commented before...but anyone else. Be gunea pigs to my cooking...Common'!

okay....I'm going to start...I'm going to do this.

No one will see me till friday...sorry...you'll have to live without me for a few days.

It is one again time for the annual summer list

1. Read just as much as I did last summer, if not more. I read 11 books last summer. I've already got the first 3 picked out (yay for Hannible)
2. See Kelly as much as I can....she is taking off on me so I have to get my fill before she goes.
3. Start doing yoga again, at least three times a week. I tried and failed this one misearble last year....but I'm going to try again
4. Pack up all my things for the big move into town in september
5. Have a girly-cocktail night.....infact have several girly cocktail nights (this is not reserved for just girls. it will be co-ed....though a girl girly cocktail night sounds good too)
6. Cook as much as I can. I need to get better at it. I need to learn how to like it.
7. Dance.
8. Have the best time I can have in toronto when I'm all bymyself. No staying at home and doing nothing. I'm going to go places and see new things.
9. I will own all buffy's (except for maybe season 5) by the end of the summer
10. I'm going to go see the new Batman AND StarWars
11. Go out as much as I can
12. Go down to the waterfront more
13. have regular date nights with Kurt...they will be the only dates I get with the boy gone.
14. Play more piano
15. Go to the beach...which means buy a new bathing suit
16. Have a get-together at my house....maybe a barbeque or a movie night, or both. I have 7 exta sleeping places so I don't mind bring people in and take them back into town in the morning
17. Join a gym....I need to get fit AND gain weight
18. I might have to take a history course or two
19. Wear dresses...I have a ton but I never wear them....I have an awesom tye-dyedish blue tubetop dress.
20. Sing. My accompanist will be out of town. I need to make sure I still sing.

When I house-sit in a week in a half, I'll bring my new cookbook with me. If I'm not working or going out, I will cook something new everynight.

I'm sure there will be lots of leftovers, so you are welcome to come a share.

On the tentative list is:
Spagetti (I already know how to make this, but it easy and I can make a whole bunch to put in the fridge for lunches ect)
Lasgana
Shepard's pie


That'a all I can think of now...I have to go through the book and find some good ones.

I'm very excited.
I want visitors all the time!

I stood there on the dance floor last night, with people dancing around me. I danced, I listened to the music. I was enjoying myself.

But at the back of my head I was thinking about things I shouldn't have been thinking about. And I was freaking out.

Fuck it right? what happens...happens.

I wish it were that easy.

I will in town from April 22 till May 8. I'm house-sitting.

Come visit me. I'll be on young street.
I can't have a party but I definatly can have a movie night.
I don't want to be all by myself for 2 weeks.
They have cute cats (I'm not much of a cat person myself, but puss-puss is the sweetest cat you will ever meet).

We always said we would move into clayton park. Everything is new and clean. It's also cheaper for what you get. There is so much space. You're not cramped, and there is plenty of counter space.

I think it is still too far removed. I have lived the last 10 years of my life slightly removed from everything. There is always a drive. Nothing is close.

I need to be near things for once.

Clayton park is actually closer to school. But I'll probably stay at Neptune while I'm in school, so I would rather take the bus to school at 9 in the morning then take the bus home at 11/12 at night.

I've had a wonderful year. It has also probably been the most stressful year too. But what has made it so great is that I've been doing things. I have been going out. I've "hung out" probably more than I ever had. Doing things with my friends, even when I should have been doing work instead, has made this year bearable. More than bearable...great.

I need to be close to people. I need to be able to be spontaneous. I have to plan everything out here. I can't just call someone and say "I'm coming over", or just show up without calling at all! I can't decide to let loose and have a few drinks, and then let a few drinks turn into a lot of drinks.

I'll starting looking for places when he's away. I want to be out of the house by september. I'll start collecting things. I already have dishes, pots and pans,cutlury, tupper-ware, a cheese grater, an iron, an electric egg beater, a coffee machine (I don't even drink coffee), and towels. We have a queen size bed, a dinner table, bookshelves and a chair or two.We have THREE computers.

I just feel like I know what I'm doing.

Come out with me this summer. We will go down town. We will go out to eat. We will drink wine. We will have movie nights galore. We will have sleepovers with wine and laugh and giggle all night. We will experiment with cooking. We will DANCE. We will eat ice cream. We will go to work hungover (or at least you will). We will watch buffy.

Summer for me starts in a week. One week and it's on!

This summer I will be in Halifax.
I will take a course in Canadian History
I will have a fun summer. We'll go out. We'll have barbeques.
We'll go to the beach
This summer I will crash all over town (the good kind of crash...not the car kind)
I will learn to like wine with the a little help from my friends
I will go visit toronto for a week

In september I am going to Mount Saint Vincent University. They accepted me and I'm going.

I'm moving into the city by september.

Turns out I also got accepted into the education program at UNB.

If I got into all these schools, it's a good chance I'll get into the Mount right?

It's been a long time since I actually felt ashamed. I actually can't remember the last time I felt this way.

I've always felt this way with her. As if she is judging me. Well I guess she kind of is. However she has never done anything but assure me that I can do it.

But that's the problem. I don't think I can. So instead of you telling me I can do it, don't worry about it, I need some help instead.

I guess it is because she has the power to take away all the hard work that I have done in the last 2 years.

Some times they just expect too much, you can't help but disapoint them

Damnit!

Last night was so refreshing.

I babysat for the first time since my little stint as a Nanny last summer. She was two and a half, adopted from china. She was the sweetest little girl. All she wanted to do all night was sit in my lap and play and sing. She wanted to be by my side the whole night, clingying to me like a little monkey (we actually pretended to be monkeys later and the evening...cutest thing ever). While I know that if I was there for more than the 4 hours I spent with her that I would probably get tired of this, but the maternal instinct in me came on in full force.

I sang twinkle twinkle little star at least 10 times.

I should be more stressed than I am. School is almost done and I have no idea what I'm doing. I have hopes about what I will be doing, but those aren't up to me.

I have to decide between Maine and Acadia. If I get into the Mount I'll go there, but I have to decide between the schools I am already accepted to just incase. I think we are leaning toward maine. It's only a year...eight months really. Although Acadia is so much more closer, it is two years and it just seems like it will delay things so much more.

If I don't get into the Mount, and I decide to go to Maine, I think I'll go to Toronto this summer.

But I hope I get into the Mount.

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I might get the chance to Housesit this summer. It's in the air right now. It would be just when Jon leaves for Toronto. Last time I housesat I had a horrible time. I got so bored, so lonely. I hate sleeping in a house all by myself. I think that everynoise is a threat from an imaginary intruder. Last time I house sat the cats got in a fight, I awoke to cats screaming and when I went downstairs there was blood all over the floors through the whole house. The cats didn't seem to be bleeding though.

As long as I go out, and people come and visit me (that is if I actually housesit...there is more of a chance I won't than I will), then I think I should be fine. If I have a job it might help too.